Add an article about gossip about identities

content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst

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+You sure you want to hear the gossip?
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+
+:slug: do-not-gosip-identities
+:date: 2024-03-11 22:49
+:tags: relationships, identity
+:category: queer
+:keywords: gossip, too much information
+:lang: en
+:translation: false
+:status: published
+
+Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing
+something you know you aren't supposed to know…
+
+TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude
+towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the *listener*. [#on-gossiping]_
+
+Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex.
+For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private
+information about our mutual friend, Bay. [#names2]_ I knew Bay would not
+expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new
+part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in
+order not to hurt them. [#non-disclosure]_
+
+That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield:
+
+1. If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's
+   boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. [#my-privacy]_
+2. If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay.
+3. If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still
+   ending up invading their privacy as in point 1.
+4. I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to
+   someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this
+   "curse" on anyone. [#gossip-circumstances]_
+5. If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in
+   another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an
+   obvious reason why).
+
+It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that.
+
+So, to reiterate the message: **Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about
+stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people.**
+For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as **please just
+don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know.** [#consent]_
+
+.. ReST wtf, why can't I put emphasis in strong?
+
+(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the "regular" gossip you can
+usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.)
+
+Final remarks
+=============
+
+I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes.
+It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware
+and neither were I at the time.
+
+Apart from the role as "me" in the story, I also were "Bay" a few times,
+luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be
+another "Alex", I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately.
+
+This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a
+reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc,
+but lately I only heard "the ordinary stuff" which I will probably just forget
+and not care about without harming anyone.)
+
+Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't
+ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side
+and will not write here anything else :-)
+
+-------
+
+.. [#on-gossiping] I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who
+   doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from
+   gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your
+   knowledge of "regular" gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your
+   attitude.
+
+.. [#names2] I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that
+   might support the narative that "girls gossip", which is sexist and IME not
+   accurate (more like "everyone gossips"). So I made my friends be of
+   ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post
+   a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-)
+
+.. [#non-disclosure] I will not give any more information here. Don't try to
+   guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if
+   you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me
+   whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And
+   in fact, there may be multiple Bays…))
+
+.. [#my-privacy] There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much
+   and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got
+   outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing
+   anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep
+   this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my
+   secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.)
+
+.. [#gossip-circumstances] Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various
+   circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them
+   Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron
+   understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the
+   secret in all those situations.
+
+.. [#consent] If the listener wants to know and go sweeping mines and you are
+   willing to tell them, ~~sure, tell them~~ it's up to you and I have no say
+   in that. Learn the consequences and go for the interactions you want to
+   have!