From 4548dcbed0b09fd84e7a1ba9ff8d18ee76ec30a7 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Pavel 'LEdoian' Turinsky Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2024 22:48:38 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] Add an article about gossip about identities --- content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst | 108 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 108 insertions(+) create mode 100644 content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst diff --git a/content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst b/content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af5847d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/do-not-gosip-identities.rst @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ +You sure you want to hear the gossip? +@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ + +:slug: do-not-gosip-identities +:date: 2024-03-11 22:49 +:tags: relationships, identity +:category: queer +:keywords: gossip, too much information +:lang: en +:translation: false +:status: published + +Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing +something you know you aren't supposed to know… + +TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude +towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the *listener*. [#on-gossiping]_ + +Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex. +For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private +information about our mutual friend, Bay. [#names2]_ I knew Bay would not +expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new +part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in +order not to hurt them. [#non-disclosure]_ + +That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield: + +1. If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's + boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. [#my-privacy]_ +2. If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay. +3. If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still + ending up invading their privacy as in point 1. +4. I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to + someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this + "curse" on anyone. [#gossip-circumstances]_ +5. If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in + another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an + obvious reason why). + +It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that. + +So, to reiterate the message: **Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about +stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people.** +For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as **please just +don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know.** [#consent]_ + +.. ReST wtf, why can't I put emphasis in strong? + +(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the "regular" gossip you can +usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.) + +Final remarks +============= + +I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes. +It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware +and neither were I at the time. + +Apart from the role as "me" in the story, I also were "Bay" a few times, +luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be +another "Alex", I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately. + +This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a +reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc, +but lately I only heard "the ordinary stuff" which I will probably just forget +and not care about without harming anyone.) + +Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't +ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side +and will not write here anything else :-) + +------- + +.. [#on-gossiping] I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who + doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from + gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your + knowledge of "regular" gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your + attitude. + +.. [#names2] I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that + might support the narative that "girls gossip", which is sexist and IME not + accurate (more like "everyone gossips"). So I made my friends be of + ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post + a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-) + +.. [#non-disclosure] I will not give any more information here. Don't try to + guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if + you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me + whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And + in fact, there may be multiple Bays…)) + +.. [#my-privacy] There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much + and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got + outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing + anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep + this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my + secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.) + +.. [#gossip-circumstances] Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various + circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them + Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron + understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the + secret in all those situations. + +.. [#consent] If the listener wants to know and go sweeping mines and you are + willing to tell them, ~~sure, tell them~~ it's up to you and I have no say + in that. Learn the consequences and go for the interactions you want to + have!