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ReStructuredText
109 lines
5.3 KiB
ReStructuredText
You sure you want to hear the gossip?
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:slug: do-not-gossip-identities
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:date: 2024-03-11 22:49
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:tags: relationships, identity
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:category: queer
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:keywords: gossip, too much information
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:lang: en
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:translation: false
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:status: published
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Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing
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something you know you aren't supposed to know…
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TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude
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towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the *listener*. [#on-gossiping]_
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Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex.
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For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private
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information about our mutual friend, Bay. [#names2]_ I knew Bay would not
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expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new
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part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in
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order not to hurt them. [#non-disclosure]_
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That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield:
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1. If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's
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boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. [#my-privacy]_
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2. If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay.
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3. If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still
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ending up invading their privacy as in point 1.
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4. I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to
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someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this
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"curse" on anyone. [#gossip-circumstances]_
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5. If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in
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another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an
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obvious reason why).
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It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that.
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So, to reiterate the message: **Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about
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stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people.**
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For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as **please just
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don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know.** [#consent]_
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.. ReST wtf, why can't I put emphasis in strong?
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(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the "regular" gossip you can
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usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.)
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Final remarks
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=============
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I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes.
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It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware
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and neither were I at the time.
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Apart from the role as "me" in the story, I also were "Bay" a few times,
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luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be
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another "Alex", I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately.
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This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a
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reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc,
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but lately I only heard "the ordinary stuff" which I will probably just forget
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and not care about without harming anyone.)
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Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't
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ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side
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and will not write here anything else :-)
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-------
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.. [#on-gossiping] I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who
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doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from
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gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your
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knowledge of "regular" gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your
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attitude.
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.. [#names2] I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that
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might support the narative that "girls gossip", which is sexist and IME not
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accurate (more like "everyone gossips"). So I made my friends be of
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ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post
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a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-)
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.. [#non-disclosure] I will not give any more information here. Don't try to
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guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if
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you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me
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whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And
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in fact, there may be multiple Bays…))
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.. [#my-privacy] There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much
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and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got
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outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing
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anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep
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this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my
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secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.)
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.. [#gossip-circumstances] Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various
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circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them
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Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron
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understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the
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secret in all those situations.
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.. [#consent] If the listener wants to know and go sweeping mines and you are
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willing to tell them, ~~sure, tell them~~ it's up to you and I have no say
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in that. Learn the consequences and go for the interactions you want to
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have!
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