LEdoian's Blog - queer

Hello, I'm agender

2024-05-21T17:03:00+02:00

Hell yeah, a coming out!

Important: Please, read this article in full and do not just skim it. There is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me and not acting upon them. Thank you a lot! (The way of interacting with me changes only a little, if at all, but I care a lot about how this fact about me is handled.)

NB [1]: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own, please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated wrong feels weirder), thanks.

Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I have written here, please also ask me about that.

This is a rather general post, I would like to write separate articles going into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [2].

So, let's get into my gender!

What am I feeling

I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I not feeling? I do not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The ideals of "stereotypical" man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I can remember, I haven't felt "wo/manly".

Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc.

But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to "how do I feel my assumed gender?". I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the opposite gender, but the answer was something like "nah, sure it would be different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there either."

That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I write it, that is.

How to behave towards me

Important disclaimer: Especially this section only talks about me, other agender people may feel differently. Do not assume anything about other (agender) people from this!

Language

The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am not a "boy", "lady", "man", "daughter" etc.) – please prefer general words like "person". When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to be included under general statements like "ladies and gentlemen". This means that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.

Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.

In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is declined the same way as "pán") – while I am open to experimentation [3], I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)

I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.

In relation to others

I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the safer ways. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [4].

If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am non-binary as the reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella term that conveys even less information about feeling of self than "man" or "woman" do. See also the queer quirks below.

If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post can.

On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me [5]. While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would like you to not stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird. (See this episode of Couple-ish for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like "that is actually more complicated". If I am present, let me do most of the speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans*/genderqueer/… people in general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently about me [6].)

That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. [7]

The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule: if you think I am misgendering myself, please tell me you think so. This helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is probably unintentional.)

Other stuff

It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly mind whether it is described as "other" or "not specified". (Just maybe don't try to be too clever about the choice, or else.)

While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)

And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.

The queer quirks

I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language [8], so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again, just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to the above, this section is general and represents the current usage of language, to the best of my knowledge.

Parts of speech: Most labels like "agender", "transgender", "non-binary", "genderqueer" are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word "blue"), so they are used like "an agender person", "the transgender flag", "they are non-binary". Do not say ~~"flag of agenders", "they are a genderqueer"~~ or even ~~"John is transgendered"~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and some people also reclaim some labels to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word "enby" belongs to the former group, but "gay" belongs to the later (acc. to wiktionary).

This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the word is "Czech-compatible enough": „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními přáteli“.

Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost never give full information themselves. Some are umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however, this does not mean that by using a sublabel one also identifies with the umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is up to the person themself to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known are often termed "microlabels". (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do not need to use any labels for themselves.)

Few relevant labels/words:

transgender: in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are termed cisgender.)
non-binary: a person who does not feel to be "100% man" or "100% woman". Canonicaly this falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term.
agender: a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender.
genderqueer: synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.)
enby (n.): when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words "boy" and "girl". Some non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish.
intersex: (included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were assigned at birth.

My gender labels

(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)

I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most people: agender, genderless (synonymous in definition to agender), non-binary, enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not give undefined words).

The label "genderqueer" somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it – I think "non-binary" is more approachable and more explicitly states that it doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words, depending on the wording I would say it technically applies, but not that I use the label.

I don't use the word "transgender" to describe myself. To me it feels the word often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges, and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-))

There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition: gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.

FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions

I guess people will ask, so let me just put down some answers here in advance :-)

How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?: The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't have all the answers [9]. Using the label allows me to find other people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken/alone. If my identity changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a phase, so be it, I can probably still learn something about myself from it.
Does anything else change about you?: Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D
What if I accidentally outed you?: That's life, and it's not like it can be undone. Since me being agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me. However, if you tell me who you've told, it will help me be ready if they start asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with a queer topic they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they don't need to metagame w.r.t. my gender.
What do you have between your legs?: Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant. [9] (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does having two nostrils make you feel?) [10]

There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: "no, it's complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't clear, please ask me directly.":

So you are a man/boy?
So you are a woman/girl?
Are you transgender?

Closing thought

This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people, I'd be glad if you, my dear reader, try being considerate to other experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in a position to feel safe talking about these struggles. One of the reasons I am writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl groups.

[1]	Pun intended :-)

[2]

If you are not sure whether your question would be bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think it is better to explicitly state the expectations.)

[3]	In fact, I am now trying to use the neutral grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the definitive gender to use. You don't need to keep this in mind when talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we use.

[4]

There are several people I want to make sure I come out to myself when I am ready. I need them to understand me correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK for them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.)

[5]	I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion my gender could yield, but I guess some could emerge, so I am adding this paragraph just in case :-)

[6]	So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for myself in particular might have unseen consequences.

[7]	In the unlikely event you meet someone and you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use another way to determine. "Don't make trouble and agree on something!"

[8]	To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.

[9]	(1, 2) Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-)

[10]	Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask about this.

You sure you want to hear the gossip?

2024-03-11T22:49:00+01:00

Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing something you know you aren't supposed to know…

TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the listener. [1]

Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex. For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private information about our mutual friend, Bay. [2] I knew Bay would not expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in order not to hurt them. [3]

That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield:

If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. [4]
If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay.
If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still ending up invading their privacy as in point 1.
I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this "curse" on anyone. [5]
If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an obvious reason why).

It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that.

So, to reiterate the message: Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people. For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as please just don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know. [6]

(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the "regular" gossip you can usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.)

Final remarks

I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes. It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware and neither were I at the time.

Apart from the role as "me" in the story, I also were "Bay" a few times, luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be another "Alex", I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately.

This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc, but lately I only heard "the ordinary stuff" which I will probably just forget and not care about without harming anyone.)

Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side and will not write here anything else :-)

[1]	I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your knowledge of "regular" gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your attitude.

[2]

I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that might support the narative that "girls gossip", which is sexist and IME not accurate (more like "everyone gossips"). So I made my friends be of ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-)

[3]

I will not give any more information here. Don't try to guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And in fact, there may be multiple Bays…))

[4]

There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.)

[5]	Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the secret in all those situations.