From d978377d60b9fa94b4da15884a4537a1cc8e6e41 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Pavel 'LEdoian' Turinsky <ledoian@matfyz.cz>
Date: Mon, 20 May 2024 14:13:11 +0200
Subject: [PATCH] render

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@@ -78,6 +78,7 @@ the <a href="https://gitea.ledoian.cz/LEdoian/blog">blog's repository</a>, so yo
 Here it is at one place and rendered, so it's maybe less pain to read.</p>
 
 <ul>
+	<li><a href="./drafts/hello-im-agen.html">Hello, I'm agender</a>
 	<li><a href="./drafts/ucw-keymap-on-wayland.html">UCW keyboard layout on XWayland</a>
 	<p>No draft pages currently.</p>
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+<!doctype html>
+<html>
+<head>
+	<meta charset=utf-8>
+	<meta name=generator content="Pelican 4.9.1">
+	<meta name=author content="LEdoian">
+	<meta name=description content="My personal webpage">
+	<meta name=referrer content=no-referrer>
+
+
+	<link rel=stylesheet href="../theme/css/theme.css">
+
+	<title>Hello, I'm agender – LEdoian's Blog</title>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+<header>
+<h1>LEdoian's Blog</h1>
+</header>
+
+<div id=main>
+<nav>
+<div>
+	<!-- Main navigation -->
+	<!-- TODO! -->
+</div>
+<div>
+	<h2>Categories</h2>
+	<ul>
+	<li><a href="../category/networking.html">networking</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../category/queer.html">queer</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../category/talks.html">talks</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../category/technology.html">technology</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../category/til.html">til</a></li>
+	</ul>
+
+	<h2>Tags</h2>
+	<ul>
+	<li><a href="../tag/linux.html">linux</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/lifehack.html">lifehack</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/software.html">software</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/relationships.html">relationships</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/identity.html">identity</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/print.html">print</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/comics.html">comics</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/ipv6-only.html">ipv6-only</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/dns.html">dns</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/meta.html">meta</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/infrastructure.html">infrastructure</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/smrst.html">smršť</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/trains.html">trains</a></li>
+	<li><a href="../tag/software-engineering.html">software-engineering</a></li>
+	</ul>
+</div>
+<div>
+	<h2>Stalk me also at</h2>
+	TODO!
+
+	<h2>I stalk</h2>
+	TODO!
+</nav>
+
+<main>
+	<div>
+<div class="details"><time datetime="2024-05-20T14:04:00+02:00">2024-05-20 14:04</time></div>
+<h1>Hello, I'm agender</h1>
+<p>Hell yeah, a coming out!</p>
+<p>Important: Please, read this article <em>in full</em> and do not just skim it. There
+is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
+without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
+altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me. Thank
+you a lot!</p>
+<p>NB <a class="footnote-reference" href="#pun" id="footnote-reference-1">[1]</a>: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own,
+please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there
+are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and
+assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation
+and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated
+wrong feels weirder), thanks.</p>
+<p>Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
+have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
+this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
+have written here, please also ask.</p>
+<p>This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going
+into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#asking-bad-questions" id="footnote-reference-2">[2]</a>.</p>
+<p>So, let's get into my gender!</p>
+<div class="section" id="what-am-i-feeling">
+<h2>What am I feeling</h2>
+<p>I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I <em>not</em> feeling? I do
+not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The
+ideals of &quot;stereotypical&quot; man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I
+can remember, I haven't felt &quot;wo/manly&quot;.</p>
+<p>Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic
+genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that
+gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc.</p>
+<p>But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to &quot;how do
+I feel my assumed gender?&quot;. I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel
+like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the
+opposite gender, but the answer was something like &quot;nah, sure it would be
+different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there
+either.&quot;</p>
+<p>That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I
+write it, that is.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="how-to-behave-towards-me">
+<h2>How to behave towards me</h2>
+<p>Important disclaimer: Especially this section <strong>only talks about me</strong>, other
+agender people may feel differently. Do <strong>not</strong> assume anything about other
+agender people from this!</p>
+<div class="section" id="language">
+<h3>Language</h3>
+<p>The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like
+being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am
+not a &quot;boy&quot;, &quot;lady&quot;, &quot;man&quot;, &quot;daughter&quot; etc.) – please prefer general words like
+&quot;person&quot;. When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to
+be included under general statements like &quot;ladies and gentlemen&quot;. This means
+that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.</p>
+<p>Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences
+between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any
+traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.</p>
+<p>In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as
+LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical
+genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is
+declined the same way as &quot;pán&quot;) – while I am open to experimentation <a class="footnote-reference" href="#grammatically-neutral" id="footnote-reference-3">[3]</a>,
+I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at
+least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)</p>
+<p>I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can
+keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the
+name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we
+already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.</p>
+<!-- I could put here a table like at pronouns.page (or other pages), but I am
+afraid it would be too visually appealing for people to avoid reading the
+text. And I can definitely not put everything in it, so it might cause more
+harm than without the table. Sorry. (It's like four paragraphs anyway, so…) -->
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="in-relation-to-others">
+<h3>In relation to others</h3>
+<p>I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with &quot;whoever on the internet
+actually cares about me enough to read my blog&quot; currently seems like one of the
+safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
+wouldn't like it to be the &quot;gossip of the day&quot; either (it's not a good talking
+point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
+represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can <a class="footnote-reference" href="#coming-out-to-some-people" id="footnote-reference-4">[4]</a>.</p>
+<p>If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me
+specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am <em>non-binary</em> as the
+reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
+outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term &quot;non-binary&quot; is an umbrella
+term that conveys even <em>less</em> information about feeling of self than &quot;man&quot; or
+&quot;women&quot; do. See also <a class="reference internal" href="#the-queer-quirks">the queer quirks</a> below.</p>
+<p>If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
+more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
+that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post
+can.</p>
+<p>On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#idk-how" id="footnote-reference-5">[5]</a>.
+While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would
+like you to <em>not</em> stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the
+big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally
+misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird.
+(See <a class="reference external" href="https://youtube.com/watch?v=auXqQp-jWsk">this episode of Couple-ish</a>
+for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the
+best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like
+&quot;that is actually more complicated&quot;. If I am present, let me do most of the
+speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in
+a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans*/genderqueer/… people in
+general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently
+about me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#being-ally-is-more-acceptable" id="footnote-reference-6">[6]</a>.)</p>
+<p>That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know
+that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to
+use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to
+fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#incompatible-agreements-maybe" id="footnote-reference-7">[7]</a></p>
+<p>The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule:
+if you think I am misgendering <em>myself</em>, please tell me you think so. This
+helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender
+someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is
+probably unintentional.)</p>
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="other-stuff">
+<h3>Other stuff</h3>
+<p>It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to
+choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly
+mind whether it is described as &quot;other&quot; or &quot;not specified&quot;. (Just maybe don't
+try to be too clever about the choice, <a class="reference external" href="https://genders.wtf">or else</a>.)</p>
+<p>While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to
+tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me
+if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the
+blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate
+that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)</p>
+<p>And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly
+anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a
+lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="the-queer-quirks">
+<h2>The queer quirks</h2>
+<p>I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language <a class="footnote-reference" href="#ally-year-ago" id="footnote-reference-8">[8]</a>,
+so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again,
+just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to
+the above, <strong>this section is general</strong> and represents the current usage of
+language, to the best of my knowledge.</p>
+<p>Parts of speech: Most labels like &quot;agender&quot;, &quot;transgender&quot;, &quot;non-binary&quot;,
+&quot;genderqueer&quot; are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word &quot;blue&quot;), so they are
+used like &quot;an agender person&quot;, &quot;the transgender flag&quot;, &quot;they are non-binary&quot;.
+<em>Do not</em> say ~~&quot;flag of agenders&quot;, &quot;they are a genderqueer&quot;~~ or even ~~&quot;John is
+transgendered&quot;~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and <em>some people</em> also
+reclaim <em>some labels</em> to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is
+appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word &quot;enby&quot; belongs to the former group,
+but &quot;gay&quot; belongs to the later (acc. to <a class="reference external" href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gay#Usage_notes_2">wiktionary</a>).</p>
+<p>This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels
+are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the
+word is &quot;Czech-compatible enough&quot;: „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními
+přáteli“.</p>
+<p>Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
+feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
+never give full information themselves. Some are
+umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
+this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the
+umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is <strong>up to the
+person themself</strong> to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
+against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
+are often termed &quot;microlabels&quot;. (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do
+not need to use any labels for themselves.)</p>
+<p>Few relevant labels/words:</p>
+<dl class="docutils">
+<dt>transgender</dt>
+<dd>in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from
+the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who
+experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are
+termed <em>cisgender</em>.)</dd>
+<dt>non-binary</dt>
+<dd>a person who does not feel to be &quot;100% man&quot; or &quot;100% woman&quot;. Canonicaly this
+falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term.</dd>
+<dt>agender</dt>
+<dd>a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In
+fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender.</dd>
+<dt>genderqueer</dt>
+<dd>synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As
+written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not
+all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.)</dd>
+<dt>enby (n.)</dt>
+<dd>when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words &quot;boy&quot; and &quot;girl&quot;. Some
+non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish.</dd>
+<dt>intersex</dt>
+<dd>(included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching
+biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not
+necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience
+their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were
+assigned at birth.</dd>
+</dl>
+<div class="section" id="my-gender-labels">
+<h3>My gender labels</h3>
+<p>(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)</p>
+<p>I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
+people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary,
+enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
+give undefined words).</p>
+<p>The label &quot;genderqueer&quot; somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it –
+I think &quot;non-binary&quot; is more approachable and more explicitly states that it
+doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words,
+depending on the wording I would say it technically <em>applies</em>, but not that I
+<em>use</em> the label.</p>
+<p>I don't use the word &quot;transgender&quot; to describe myself. To me it feels the word
+often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges,
+and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least
+some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-))</p>
+<p>There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider
+them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is
+out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless
+I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing
+this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition:
+gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="faq-forcefully-avoided-questions-fairly-anticipated-questions">
+<h2>FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions</h2>
+<p>I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-)</p>
+<dl class="docutils">
+<dt>How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?</dt>
+<dd>The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
+have all the answers <a class="footnote-reference" href="#reference" id="footnote-reference-9">[9]</a>. Using the label allows me to find other
+people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
+puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity
+changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
+phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself.</dd>
+<dt>Does anything change about you?</dt>
+<dd>Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
+have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
+experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D</dd>
+<dt>What if I accidentally outed you?</dt>
+<dd>That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being
+agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me.
+However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start
+asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with
+queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
+person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they
+<a class="reference external" href="../do-not-gossip-identities.html">know my boundaries</a> w.r.t. my gender.</dd>
+<dt>What do you have between your legs?</dt>
+<dd>Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
+boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such
+questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant.
+<a class="footnote-reference" href="#reference" id="footnote-reference-10">[9]</a> (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does
+having two nostrils make you feel?) <a class="footnote-reference" href="#dysphoria-question" id="footnote-reference-11">[10]</a></dd>
+</dl>
+<p>There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: &quot;no, it's
+complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't
+clear, please ask me directly.&quot;:</p>
+<ul class="simple">
+<li>So you are a man/boy?</li>
+<li>So you are a woman/girl?</li>
+<li>Are you transgender?</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+<div class="section" id="closing-thought">
+<h2>Closing thought</h2>
+<p>This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
+struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
+persistent).  While this post is not focused on other such people in
+particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other
+experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position
+they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
+writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
+challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am &quot;lucky&quot; that I
+can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
+groups.</p>
+<hr class="docutils" />
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="pun" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></td><td>Pun intended :-)</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="asking-bad-questions" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-2">[2]</a></td><td>If you are not sure whether your question would be
+bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
+I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
+don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think this boundary is
+better explicitly stated.)</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="grammatically-neutral" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></td><td>In fact, I am now trying to use netutral
+grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
+definitive gender for myself. You don't need to keep this in mind when
+talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
+use.</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="coming-out-to-some-people" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></td><td>There are several people I want to make sure I
+come out to myself and when I am ready. I need them to understand me
+correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
+other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK to for
+them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
+don't go around like &quot;Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
+post on their blog, go check that out&quot;, ffs.)</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="idk-how" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></td><td>I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion of my
+gender would be, but intuitively there are some, so I am adding this
+paragraph just in case :-)</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="being-ally-is-more-acceptable" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></td><td>So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
+a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
+be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
+queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for me/myself in
+particular might have unseen consequences.</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="incompatible-agreements-maybe" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-7">[7]</a></td><td>In the unlikely event you meet someone and
+you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
+rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use your way. &quot;Don't make trouble and
+agree on something!&quot;</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="ally-year-ago" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-8">[8]</a></td><td>To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
+and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="reference" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label">[9]</td><td><em>(<a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-9">1</a>, <a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-10">2</a>)</em> Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-)</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="dysphoria-question" rules="none">
+<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
+<tbody valign="top">
+<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-11">[10]</a></td><td>Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
+actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
+their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask this.</td></tr>
+</tbody>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+	</div>
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