+
2024-05-20 14:04
+
Hello, I'm agender
+
Hell yeah, a coming out!
+
Important: Please, read this article in full and do not just skim it. There
+is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
+without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
+altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me. Thank
+you a lot!
+
NB : This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own,
+please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there
+are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and
+assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation
+and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated
+wrong feels weirder), thanks.
+
Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
+have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
+this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
+have written here, please also ask.
+
This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going
+into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me .
+
So, let's get into my gender!
+
+
What am I feeling
+
I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I not feeling? I do
+not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The
+ideals of "stereotypical" man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I
+can remember, I haven't felt "wo/manly".
+
Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic
+genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that
+gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc.
+
But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to "how do
+I feel my assumed gender?". I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel
+like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the
+opposite gender, but the answer was something like "nah, sure it would be
+different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there
+either."
+
That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I
+write it, that is.
+
+
+
How to behave towards me
+
Important disclaimer: Especially this section only talks about me , other
+agender people may feel differently. Do not assume anything about other
+agender people from this!
+
+
Language
+
The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like
+being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am
+not a "boy", "lady", "man", "daughter" etc.) – please prefer general words like
+"person". When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to
+be included under general statements like "ladies and gentlemen". This means
+that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.
+
Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences
+between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any
+traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.
+
In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as
+LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical
+genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is
+declined the same way as "pán") – while I am open to experimentation ,
+I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at
+least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)
+
I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can
+keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the
+name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we
+already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.
+
+
+
+
In relation to others
+
I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet
+actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the
+safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
+wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking
+point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
+represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can .
+
If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me
+specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am non-binary as the
+reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
+outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella
+term that conveys even less information about feeling of self than "man" or
+"women" do. See also the queer quirks below.
+
If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
+more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
+that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post
+can.
+
On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me .
+While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would
+like you to not stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the
+big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally
+misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird.
+(See this episode of Couple-ish
+for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the
+best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like
+"that is actually more complicated". If I am present, let me do most of the
+speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in
+a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans*/genderqueer/… people in
+general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently
+about me .)
+
That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know
+that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to
+use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to
+fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation.
+
The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule:
+if you think I am misgendering myself , please tell me you think so. This
+helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender
+someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is
+probably unintentional.)
+
+
+
Other stuff
+
It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to
+choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly
+mind whether it is described as "other" or "not specified". (Just maybe don't
+try to be too clever about the choice, or else .)
+
While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to
+tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me
+if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the
+blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate
+that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)
+
And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly
+anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a
+lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.
+
+
+
+
The queer quirks
+
I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language ,
+so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again,
+just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to
+the above, this section is general and represents the current usage of
+language, to the best of my knowledge.
+
Parts of speech: Most labels like "agender", "transgender", "non-binary",
+"genderqueer" are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word "blue"), so they are
+used like "an agender person", "the transgender flag", "they are non-binary".
+Do not say ~~"flag of agenders", "they are a genderqueer"~~ or even ~~"John is
+transgendered"~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and some people also
+reclaim some labels to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is
+appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word "enby" belongs to the former group,
+but "gay" belongs to the later (acc. to wiktionary ).
+
This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels
+are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the
+word is "Czech-compatible enough": „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními
+přáteli“.
+
Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
+feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
+never give full information themselves. Some are
+umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
+this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the
+umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is up to the
+person themself to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
+against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
+are often termed "microlabels". (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do
+not need to use any labels for themselves.)
+
Few relevant labels/words:
+
+transgender
+in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from
+the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who
+experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are
+termed cisgender .)
+non-binary
+a person who does not feel to be "100% man" or "100% woman". Canonicaly this
+falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term.
+agender
+a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In
+fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender.
+genderqueer
+synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As
+written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not
+all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.)
+enby (n.)
+when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words "boy" and "girl". Some
+non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish.
+intersex
+(included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching
+biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not
+necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience
+their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were
+assigned at birth.
+
+
+
My gender labels
+
(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)
+
I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
+people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary,
+enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
+give undefined words).
+
The label "genderqueer" somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it –
+I think "non-binary" is more approachable and more explicitly states that it
+doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words,
+depending on the wording I would say it technically applies , but not that I
+use the label.
+
I don't use the word "transgender" to describe myself. To me it feels the word
+often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges,
+and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least
+some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-))
+
There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider
+them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is
+out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless
+I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing
+this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition:
+gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.
+
+
+
+
FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions
+
I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-)
+
+How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?
+The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
+have all the answers . Using the label allows me to find other
+people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
+puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity
+changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
+phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself.
+Does anything change about you?
+Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
+have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
+experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D
+What if I accidentally outed you?
+That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being
+agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me.
+However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start
+asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with
+queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
+person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they
+know my boundaries w.r.t. my gender.
+What do you have between your legs?
+Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
+boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such
+questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant.
+ (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does
+having two nostrils make you feel?)
+
+
There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: "no, it's
+complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't
+clear, please ask me directly.":
+
+So you are a man/boy?
+So you are a woman/girl?
+Are you transgender?
+
+
+
+
Closing thought
+
This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
+struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
+persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people in
+particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other
+experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position
+they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
+writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
+challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I
+can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
+groups.
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