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@ -28,9 +28,9 @@ wrong feels weirder), thanks.
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Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
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Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
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have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
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have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
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this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
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this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
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have written here, please also ask.
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have written here, please also ask me about that.
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This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going
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This is a rather general post, I would like to write separate articles going
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into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [#asking-bad-questions]_.
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into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [#asking-bad-questions]_.
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So, let's get into my gender!
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So, let's get into my gender!
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@ -62,7 +62,7 @@ How to behave towards me
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Important disclaimer: Especially this section **only talks about me**, other
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Important disclaimer: Especially this section **only talks about me**, other
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agender people may feel differently. Do **not** assume anything about other
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agender people may feel differently. Do **not** assume anything about other
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agender people from this!
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(agender) people from this!
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Language
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Language
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--------
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--------
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@ -100,7 +100,7 @@ In relation to others
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I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet
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I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet
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actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the
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actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the
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safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
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safer ways. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
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wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking
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wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking
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point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
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point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
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represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [#coming-out-to-some-people]_.
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represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [#coming-out-to-some-people]_.
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@ -110,7 +110,7 @@ specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am *non-binary* as the
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reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
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reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
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outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella
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outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella
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term that conveys even *less* information about feeling of self than "man" or
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term that conveys even *less* information about feeling of self than "man" or
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"women" do. See also `<The queer quirks_>`__ below.
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"woman" do. See also `<The queer quirks_>`__ below.
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If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
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If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
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more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
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more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
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@ -187,7 +187,7 @@ Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
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feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
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feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
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never give full information themselves. Some are
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never give full information themselves. Some are
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umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
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umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
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this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the
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this does not mean that by using a sublabel one also identifies with the
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umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is **up to the
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umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is **up to the
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person themself** to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
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person themself** to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
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against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
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against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
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@ -232,7 +232,7 @@ My gender labels
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(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)
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(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)
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I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
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I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
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people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary,
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people: agender, genderless (synonymous in definition to agender), non-binary,
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enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
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enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
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give undefined words).
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give undefined words).
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@ -257,29 +257,30 @@ gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.
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FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions
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FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions
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================================================================
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================================================================
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I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-)
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I guess people will ask, so let me just put down some answers here in advance :-)
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How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?
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How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?
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The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
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The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
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have all the answers [#reference]_. Using the label allows me to find other
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have all the answers [#reference]_. Using the label allows me to find other
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people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
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people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
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puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity
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puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken/alone. If my identity
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changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
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changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
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phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself.
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phase, so be it, I can probably still learn something about myself from it.
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Does anything change about you?
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Does anything else change about you?
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Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
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Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
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have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
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have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
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experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D
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experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D
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What if I accidentally outed you?
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What if I accidentally outed you?
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That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being
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That's life, and it's not like it can be undone. Since me being agender is
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agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me.
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low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me. However, if
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However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start
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you tell me who you've told, it will help me be ready if they start asking
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asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with
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unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with a queer
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queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
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topic they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
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person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they
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person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that
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`know my boundaries <{filename}/do-not-gossip-identities.rst>`__ w.r.t. my gender.
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they don't `need to metagame <{filename}/do-not-gossip-identities.rst>`__ w.r.t.
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my gender.
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What do you have between your legs?
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What do you have between your legs?
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Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
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Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
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@ -301,10 +302,10 @@ Closing thought
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This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
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This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
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struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
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struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
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persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people in
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persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people, I'd be glad if you,
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particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other
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my dear reader, try being considerate to other
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experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position
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experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in a position
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they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
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to feel safe talking about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
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writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
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writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
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challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I
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challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I
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can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
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can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
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@ -317,37 +318,37 @@ groups.
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.. [#asking-bad-questions] If you are not sure whether your question would be
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.. [#asking-bad-questions] If you are not sure whether your question would be
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bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
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bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
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I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
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I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
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don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think this boundary is
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don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think it is better to
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better explicitly stated.)
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explicitly state the expectations.)
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.. [#grammatically-neutral] In fact, I am now trying to use netutral
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.. [#grammatically-neutral] In fact, I am now trying to use the neutral
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grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
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grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
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definitive gender for myself. You don't need to keep this in mind when
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definitive gender to use. You don't need to keep this in mind when
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talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
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talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
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use.
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use.
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.. [#coming-out-to-some-people] There are several people I want to make sure I
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.. [#coming-out-to-some-people] There are several people I want to make sure I
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come out to myself and when I am ready. I need them to understand me
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come out to myself when I am ready. I need them to understand me
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correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
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correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
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other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK to for
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other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK for
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them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
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them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
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don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
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don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
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post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.)
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post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.)
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.. [#idk-how] I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion of my
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.. [#idk-how] I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion my
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gender would be, but intuitively there are some, so I am adding this
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gender could yield, but I guess some could emerge, so I am adding this
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paragraph just in case :-)
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paragraph just in case :-)
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.. [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable] So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
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.. [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable] So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
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a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
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a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
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be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
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be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
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queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for me/myself in
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queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for myself in
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particular might have unseen consequences.
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particular might have unseen consequences.
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.. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe] In the unlikely event you meet someone and
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.. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe] In the unlikely event you meet someone and
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you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
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you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
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rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use your way. "Don't make trouble and
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rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use another way to determine. "Don't
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agree on something!"
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make trouble and agree on something!"
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.. [#ally-year-ago] To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
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.. [#ally-year-ago] To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
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and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.
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and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.
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@ -356,4 +357,4 @@ groups.
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.. [#dysphoria-question] Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
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.. [#dysphoria-question] Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
|
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actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
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actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
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their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask this.
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their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask about this.
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