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@ -0,0 +1,359 @@
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Hello, I'm agender
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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:slug: hello-im-agen
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:date: 2024-05-20 14:04
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:tags: gender, identity
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:category: queer
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:keywords: agender, genderless, coming out
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:lang: en
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:translation: false
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:status: draft
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Hell yeah, a coming out!
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Important: Please, read this article *in full* and do not just skim it. There
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is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
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without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
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altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me. Thank
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you a lot!
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NB [#pun]_: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own,
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please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there
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are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and
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assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation
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and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated
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wrong feels weirder), thanks.
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Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
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have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
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this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
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have written here, please also ask.
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This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going
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into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [#asking-bad-questions]_.
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So, let's get into my gender!
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What am I feeling
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=================
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I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I *not* feeling? I do
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not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The
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ideals of "stereotypical" man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I
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can remember, I haven't felt "wo/manly".
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Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic
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genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that
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gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc.
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But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to "how do
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I feel my assumed gender?". I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel
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like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the
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opposite gender, but the answer was something like "nah, sure it would be
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different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there
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either."
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That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I
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write it, that is.
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How to behave towards me
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========================
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Important disclaimer: Especially this section **only talks about me**, other
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agender people may feel differently. Do **not** assume anything about other
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agender people from this!
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Language
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--------
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The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like
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being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am
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not a "boy", "lady", "man", "daughter" etc.) – please prefer general words like
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"person". When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to
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be included under general statements like "ladies and gentlemen". This means
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that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.
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Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences
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between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any
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traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.
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In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as
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LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical
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genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is
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declined the same way as "pán") – while I am open to experimentation [#grammatically-neutral]_,
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I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at
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least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)
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I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can
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keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the
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name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we
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already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.
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.. I could put here a table like at pronouns.page (or other pages), but I am
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afraid it would be too visually appealing for people to avoid reading the
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text. And I can definitely not put everything in it, so it might cause more
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harm than without the table. Sorry. (It's like four paragraphs anyway, so…)
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In relation to others
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---------------------
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I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet
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actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the
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safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
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wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking
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point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
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represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [#coming-out-to-some-people]_.
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If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me
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specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am *non-binary* as the
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reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
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outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella
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term that conveys even *less* information about feeling of self than "man" or
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"women" do. See also `<The queer quirks_>`__ below.
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If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
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more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
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that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post
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can.
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On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me [#idk-how]_.
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While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would
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like you to *not* stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the
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big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally
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misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird.
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(See `this episode of Couple-ish <https://youtube.com/watch?v=auXqQp-jWsk>`__
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for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the
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best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like
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"that is actually more complicated". If I am present, let me do most of the
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speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in
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a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans\*/genderqueer/… people in
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general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently
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about me [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable]_.)
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That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know
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that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to
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use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to
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fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe]_
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The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule:
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if you think I am misgendering *myself*, please tell me you think so. This
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helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender
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someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is
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probably unintentional.)
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Other stuff
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-----------
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It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to
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choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly
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mind whether it is described as "other" or "not specified". (Just maybe don't
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try to be too clever about the choice, `or else <https://genders.wtf>`__.)
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While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to
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tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me
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if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the
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blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate
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that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)
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And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly
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anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a
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lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.
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The queer quirks
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================
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I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language [#ally-year-ago]_,
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so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again,
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just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to
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the above, **this section is general** and represents the current usage of
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language, to the best of my knowledge.
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Parts of speech: Most labels like "agender", "transgender", "non-binary",
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"genderqueer" are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word "blue"), so they are
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used like "an agender person", "the transgender flag", "they are non-binary".
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*Do not* say ~~"flag of agenders", "they are a genderqueer"~~ or even ~~"John is
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transgendered"~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and *some people* also
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reclaim *some labels* to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is
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appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word "enby" belongs to the former group,
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but "gay" belongs to the later (acc. to `wiktionary <https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gay#Usage_notes_2>`__).
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This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels
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are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the
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word is "Czech-compatible enough": „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními
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přáteli“.
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Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
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feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
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never give full information themselves. Some are
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umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
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this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the
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umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is **up to the
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person themself** to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
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against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
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are often termed "microlabels". (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do
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not need to use any labels for themselves.)
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Few relevant labels/words:
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transgender
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in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from
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the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who
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experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are
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termed *cisgender*.)
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non-binary
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a person who does not feel to be "100% man" or "100% woman". Canonicaly this
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falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term.
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agender
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a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In
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fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender.
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genderqueer
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synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As
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written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not
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all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.)
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enby (n.)
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when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words "boy" and "girl". Some
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non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish.
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intersex
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(included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching
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biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not
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necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience
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their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were
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assigned at birth.
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My gender labels
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(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)
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I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
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people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary,
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enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
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give undefined words).
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The label "genderqueer" somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it –
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I think "non-binary" is more approachable and more explicitly states that it
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doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words,
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depending on the wording I would say it technically *applies*, but not that I
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*use* the label.
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I don't use the word "transgender" to describe myself. To me it feels the word
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often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges,
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and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least
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some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-))
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There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider
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them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is
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out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless
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I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing
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this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition:
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gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.
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FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions
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================================================================
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I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-)
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How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?
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The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
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have all the answers [#reference]_. Using the label allows me to find other
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people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
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puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity
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changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
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phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself.
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Does anything change about you?
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Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
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have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
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experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D
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What if I accidentally outed you?
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That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being
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agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me.
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However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start
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asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with
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queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
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person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they
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`know my boundaries <{filename}/do-not-gossip-identities.rst>`__ w.r.t. my gender.
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What do you have between your legs?
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Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
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boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such
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questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant.
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[#reference]_ (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does
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having two nostrils make you feel?) [#dysphoria-question]_
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There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: "no, it's
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complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't
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clear, please ask me directly.":
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- So you are a man/boy?
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- So you are a woman/girl?
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- Are you transgender?
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Closing thought
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===============
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This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
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struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
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persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people in
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particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other
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experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position
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they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
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writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
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challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I
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can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
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groups.
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------
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.. [#pun] Pun intended :-)
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.. [#asking-bad-questions] If you are not sure whether your question would be
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bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
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I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
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don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think this boundary is
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better explicitly stated.)
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.. [#grammatically-neutral] In fact, I am now trying to use netutral
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grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
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definitive gender for myself. You don't need to keep this in mind when
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talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
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use.
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.. [#coming-out-to-some-people] There are several people I want to make sure I
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come out to myself and when I am ready. I need them to understand me
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correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
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other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK to for
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them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
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don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
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post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.)
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.. [#idk-how] I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion of my
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gender would be, but intuitively there are some, so I am adding this
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paragraph just in case :-)
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.. [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable] So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
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a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
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be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
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queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for me/myself in
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particular might have unseen consequences.
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.. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe] In the unlikely event you meet someone and
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you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
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rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use your way. "Don't make trouble and
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agree on something!"
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.. [#ally-year-ago] To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
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and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.
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.. [#reference] Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-)
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.. [#dysphoria-question] Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
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actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
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their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask this.
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