diff --git a/content/hello-im-agen.rst b/content/hello-im-agen.rst new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0fc405d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/hello-im-agen.rst @@ -0,0 +1,359 @@ +Hello, I'm agender +@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ + +:slug: hello-im-agen +:date: 2024-05-20 14:04 +:tags: gender, identity +:category: queer +:keywords: agender, genderless, coming out +:lang: en +:translation: false +:status: draft + +Hell yeah, a coming out! + +Important: Please, read this article *in full* and do not just skim it. There +is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made +without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article +altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me. Thank +you a lot! + +NB [#pun]_: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own, +please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there +are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and +assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation +and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated +wrong feels weirder), thanks. + +Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly +have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of +this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I +have written here, please also ask. + +This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going +into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [#asking-bad-questions]_. + +So, let's get into my gender! + +What am I feeling +================= + +I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I *not* feeling? I do +not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The +ideals of "stereotypical" man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I +can remember, I haven't felt "wo/manly". + +Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic +genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that +gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc. + +But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to "how do +I feel my assumed gender?". I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel +like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the +opposite gender, but the answer was something like "nah, sure it would be +different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there +either." + +That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I +write it, that is. + +How to behave towards me +======================== + +Important disclaimer: Especially this section **only talks about me**, other +agender people may feel differently. Do **not** assume anything about other +agender people from this! + +Language +-------- + +The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like +being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am +not a "boy", "lady", "man", "daughter" etc.) – please prefer general words like +"person". When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to +be included under general statements like "ladies and gentlemen". This means +that there should not be too much that changes in this regard. + +Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences +between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any +traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me. + +In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as +LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical +genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is +declined the same way as "pán") – while I am open to experimentation [#grammatically-neutral]_, +I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at +least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-) + +I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can +keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the +name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we +already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one. + +.. I could put here a table like at pronouns.page (or other pages), but I am + afraid it would be too visually appealing for people to avoid reading the + text. And I can definitely not put everything in it, so it might cause more + harm than without the table. Sorry. (It's like four paragraphs anyway, so…) + +In relation to others +--------------------- + +I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet +actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the +safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I +wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking +point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to +represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [#coming-out-to-some-people]_. + +If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me +specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am *non-binary* as the +reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully +outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella +term that conveys even *less* information about feeling of self than "man" or +"women" do. See also ``__ below. + +If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in +more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because +that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post +can. + +On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me [#idk-how]_. +While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would +like you to *not* stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the +big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally +misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird. +(See `this episode of Couple-ish `__ +for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the +best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like +"that is actually more complicated". If I am present, let me do most of the +speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in +a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans\*/genderqueer/… people in +general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently +about me [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable]_.) + +That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know +that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to +use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to +fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe]_ + +The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule: +if you think I am misgendering *myself*, please tell me you think so. This +helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender +someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is +probably unintentional.) + +Other stuff +----------- + +It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to +choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly +mind whether it is described as "other" or "not specified". (Just maybe don't +try to be too clever about the choice, `or else `__.) + +While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to +tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me +if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the +blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate +that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-) + +And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly +anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a +lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public. + +The queer quirks +================ + +I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language [#ally-year-ago]_, +so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again, +just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to +the above, **this section is general** and represents the current usage of +language, to the best of my knowledge. + +Parts of speech: Most labels like "agender", "transgender", "non-binary", +"genderqueer" are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word "blue"), so they are +used like "an agender person", "the transgender flag", "they are non-binary". +*Do not* say ~~"flag of agenders", "they are a genderqueer"~~ or even ~~"John is +transgendered"~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and *some people* also +reclaim *some labels* to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is +appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word "enby" belongs to the former group, +but "gay" belongs to the later (acc. to `wiktionary `__). + +This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels +are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the +word is "Czech-compatible enough": „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními +přáteli“. + +Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone +feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost +never give full information themselves. Some are +umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however, +this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the +umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is **up to the +person themself** to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others +against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known +are often termed "microlabels". (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do +not need to use any labels for themselves.) + +Few relevant labels/words: + +transgender + in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from + the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who + experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are + termed *cisgender*.) + +non-binary + a person who does not feel to be "100% man" or "100% woman". Canonicaly this + falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term. + +agender + a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In + fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender. + +genderqueer + synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As + written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not + all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.) + +enby (n.) + when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words "boy" and "girl". Some + non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish. + +intersex + (included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching + biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not + necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience + their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were + assigned at birth. + +My gender labels +---------------- + +(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.) + +I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most +people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary, +enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not +give undefined words). + +The label "genderqueer" somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it – +I think "non-binary" is more approachable and more explicitly states that it +doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words, +depending on the wording I would say it technically *applies*, but not that I +*use* the label. + +I don't use the word "transgender" to describe myself. To me it feels the word +often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges, +and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least +some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-)) + +There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider +them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is +out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless +I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing +this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition: +gender-nonconforming, genderfluid. + +FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions +================================================================ + +I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-) + +How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase? + The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't + have all the answers [#reference]_. Using the label allows me to find other + people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and + puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity + changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a + phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself. + +Does anything change about you? + Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not + have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started + experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D + +What if I accidentally outed you? + That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being + agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me. + However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start + asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with + queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the + person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they + `know my boundaries <{filename}/do-not-gossip-identities.rst>`__ w.r.t. my gender. + +What do you have between your legs? + Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your + boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such + questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant. + [#reference]_ (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does + having two nostrils make you feel?) [#dysphoria-question]_ + +There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: "no, it's +complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't +clear, please ask me directly.": + +- So you are a man/boy? +- So you are a woman/girl? +- Are you transgender? + +Closing thought +=============== + +This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are +struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be +persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people in +particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other +experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position +they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am +writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these +challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I +can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl +groups. + +------ + +.. [#pun] Pun intended :-) + +.. [#asking-bad-questions] If you are not sure whether your question would be + bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure + I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I + don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think this boundary is + better explicitly stated.) + +.. [#grammatically-neutral] In fact, I am now trying to use netutral + grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the + definitive gender for myself. You don't need to keep this in mind when + talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we + use. + +.. [#coming-out-to-some-people] There are several people I want to make sure I + come out to myself and when I am ready. I need them to understand me + correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from + other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK to for + them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please + don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting + post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.) + +.. [#idk-how] I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion of my + gender would be, but intuitively there are some, so I am adding this + paragraph just in case :-) + +.. [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable] So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being + a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would + be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for + queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for me/myself in + particular might have unseen consequences. + +.. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe] In the unlikely event you meet someone and + you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of + rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use your way. "Don't make trouble and + agree on something!" + +.. [#ally-year-ago] To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself + and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences. + +.. [#reference] Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-) + +.. [#dysphoria-question] Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly + actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between + their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask this.