blog/content/hello-im-agen.rst

Hello, I'm agender
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

:slug: hello-im-agen
:date: 2024-05-20 14:04
:tags: gender, identity
:category: queer
:keywords: agender, genderless, coming out
:lang: en
:translation: false
:status: draft

Hell yeah, a coming out!

Important: Please, read this article *in full* and do not just skim it. There
is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me. Thank
you a lot!

NB [#pun]_: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own,
please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there
are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and
assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation
and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated
wrong feels weirder), thanks.

Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
have written here, please also ask.

This is a quite general post, I would like to write separate articles going
into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me [#asking-bad-questions]_.

So, let's get into my gender!

What am I feeling
=================

I feel reasonably fine. The better question is: what am I *not* feeling? I do
not feel gender – I don't relate to being man or woman, I am just me. The
ideals of "stereotypical" man or woman feel foreign to me, and for as long as I
can remember, I haven't felt "wo/manly".

Before I thought about it, I would tell you that I was one of the classic
genders. Passively, that would be my best guess: – my given name is that
gender, my ID says I am that sex, etc.

But then I thought about it, and pretty much didn't find the answer to "how do
I feel my assumed gender?". I read some classical descriptions, and didn't feel
like I match. I even considered, whether I would want to be treated as the
opposite gender, but the answer was something like "nah, sure it would be
different, but that has its own set of problems and I don't see any wins there
either."

That's the short timeline, I will share more details in a separate post. If I
write it, that is.

How to behave towards me
========================

Important disclaimer: Especially this section **only talks about me**, other
agender people may feel differently. Do **not** assume anything about other
agender people from this!

Language
--------

The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like
being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am
not a "boy", "lady", "man", "daughter" etc.) – please prefer general words like
"person". When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to
be included under general statements like "ladies and gentlemen". This means
that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.

Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences
between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any
traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.

In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as
LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical
genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is
declined the same way as "pán") – while I am open to experimentation [#grammatically-neutral]_,
I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at
least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)

I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can
keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the
name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we
already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.

.. I could put here a table like at pronouns.page (or other pages), but I am
   afraid it would be too visually appealing for people to avoid reading the
   text. And I can definitely not put everything in it, so it might cause more
   harm than without the table. Sorry. (It's like four paragraphs anyway, so…)

In relation to others
---------------------

I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with "whoever on the internet
actually cares about me enough to read my blog" currently seems like one of the
safer ways currently. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
wouldn't like it to be the "gossip of the day" either (it's not a good talking
point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can [#coming-out-to-some-people]_.

If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me
specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am *non-binary* as the
reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term "non-binary" is an umbrella
term that conveys even *less* information about feeling of self than "man" or
"women" do. See also `<The queer quirks_>`__ below.

If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post
can.

On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me [#idk-how]_.
While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would
like you to *not* stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the
big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally
misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird.
(See `this episode of Couple-ish <https://youtube.com/watch?v=auXqQp-jWsk>`__
for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the
best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like
"that is actually more complicated". If I am present, let me do most of the
speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in
a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans\*/genderqueer/… people in
general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently
about me [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable]_.)

That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know
that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to
use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to
fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe]_

The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule:
if you think I am misgendering *myself*, please tell me you think so. This
helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender
someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is
probably unintentional.)

Other stuff
-----------

It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to
choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly
mind whether it is described as "other" or "not specified". (Just maybe don't
try to be too clever about the choice, `or else <https://genders.wtf>`__.)

While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to
tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me
if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the
blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate
that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)

And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly
anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a
lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.

The queer quirks
================

I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language [#ally-year-ago]_,
so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again,
just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to
the above, **this section is general** and represents the current usage of
language, to the best of my knowledge.

Parts of speech: Most labels like "agender", "transgender", "non-binary",
"genderqueer" are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word "blue"), so they are
used like "an agender person", "the transgender flag", "they are non-binary".
*Do not* say ~~"flag of agenders", "they are a genderqueer"~~ or even ~~"John is
transgendered"~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and *some people* also
reclaim *some labels* to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is
appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word "enby" belongs to the former group,
but "gay" belongs to the later (acc. to `wiktionary <https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gay#Usage_notes_2>`__).

This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels
are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the
word is "Czech-compatible enough": „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními
přáteli“.

Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
never give full information themselves. Some are
umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
this does not mean that by using the sublabel one also identifies with the
umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is **up to the
person themself** to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
are often termed "microlabels". (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do
not need to use any labels for themselves.)

Few relevant labels/words:

transgender
  in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from
  the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who
  experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are
  termed *cisgender*.)

non-binary
  a person who does not feel to be "100% man" or "100% woman". Canonicaly this
  falls under the transgender umbrella. Also a rather broad umbrella term.

agender
  a person who does not experience gender. Canonically under non-binary. In
  fact, this still covers very different experiences regarding gender.

genderqueer
  synonymous in definition to non-binary: not exclusively man or woman. (As
  written above, not all non-binary people also identify as genderqueer, and not
  all genderqueer people identify as non-binary.)

enby (n.)
  when used as noun, a non-binary equivalent to words "boy" and "girl". Some
  non-binary people use the term for themselves, other see it as too childish.

intersex
  (included just for the distinction) having ambiguous or mismatching
  biological sex characteristics (genitalia, chromosomes, phenotype). Not
  necessarily under the transgender umbrella – intersex people may experience
  their gender (a social construct) in a way typical for the one they were
  assigned at birth.

My gender labels
----------------

(Not general anymore, this is solely about me again.)

I use the following labels to describe my experience with gender to most
people: agender, genderless (synonymous definition to agender), non-binary,
enby. My microlabels are out of scope of this post (to keep it short and not
give undefined words).

The label "genderqueer" somewhat describes my experience, but I don't use it –
I think "non-binary" is more approachable and more explicitly states that it
doesn't really describe a particular gender experience. In other words,
depending on the wording I would say it technically *applies*, but not that I
*use* the label.

I don't use the word "transgender" to describe myself. To me it feels the word
often conveys the idea of gender change, transition and associated challenges,
and I don't identify with this experience. (I think I can understand at least
some parts of the struggle, though, and I do enjoy transgender memes :-))

There are a few words that I might use to describe myself, I don't consider
them to be microlabels, but they have a tricky relation to my gender (which is
out of scope of this blogpost). Please, do not use them to describe me, unless
I described in detail what I mean (canary: this has not happened since writing
this post), even if I used the word myself and you know the definition:
gender-nonconforming, genderfluid.

FAQ: Forcefully avoided questions / Fairly anticipated questions
================================================================

I guess people will ask, so let me just put some answers here in advance :-)

How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?
  The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
  have all the answers [#reference]_. Using the label allows me to find other
  people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
  puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken. If my identity
  changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
  phase, so be it, still it probably has something I can learn about myself.

Does anything change about you?
  Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
  have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
  experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D

What if I accidentally outed you?
  That's life, and it's not like it can be undone anyway. Since me being
  agender is low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me.
  However, if you tell me who knows, it will help me be ready if they start
  asking unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with
  queer people they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
  person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that they
  `know my boundaries <{filename}/do-not-gossip-identities.rst>`__ w.r.t. my gender.

What do you have between your legs?
  Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
  boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such
  questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant.
  [#reference]_ (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does
  having two nostrils make you feel?) [#dysphoria-question]_

There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: "no, it's
complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't
clear, please ask me directly.":

- So you are a man/boy?
- So you are a woman/girl?
- Are you transgender?

Closing thought
===============

This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
persistent).  While this post is not focused on other such people in
particular, I'd like you, my dear reader, to try being considerate to other
experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in the position
they would feel safe to talk about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am "lucky" that I
can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
groups.

------

.. [#pun] Pun intended :-)

.. [#asking-bad-questions] If you are not sure whether your question would be
   bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
   I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
   don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think this boundary is
   better explicitly stated.)

.. [#grammatically-neutral] In fact, I am now trying to use netutral
   grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
   definitive gender for myself. You don't need to keep this in mind when
   talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
   use.

.. [#coming-out-to-some-people] There are several people I want to make sure I
   come out to myself and when I am ready. I need them to understand me
   correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
   other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK to for
   them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
   don't go around like "Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
   post on their blog, go check that out", ffs.)

.. [#idk-how] I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion of my
   gender would be, but intuitively there are some, so I am adding this
   paragraph just in case :-)

.. [#being-ally-is-more-acceptable] So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
   a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
   be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
   queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for me/myself in
   particular might have unseen consequences.

.. [#incompatible-agreements-maybe] In the unlikely event you meet someone and
   you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
   rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use your way. "Don't make trouble and
   agree on something!"

.. [#ally-year-ago] To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
   and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.

.. [#reference] Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-)

.. [#dysphoria-question] Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
   actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
   their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask this.