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<title>You sure you want to hear the gossip? – LEdoian's Blog</title>
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<h1>LEdoian's Blog</h1>
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<h2>Categories</h2>
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<li><a href="./category/networking.html">networking</a></li>
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<li><a href="./category/queer.html">queer</a></li>
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<div>
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<h2>Stalk me also at</h2>
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TODO!
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<h2>I stalk</h2>
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TODO!
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<main>
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<div>
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<h1>You sure you want to hear the gossip?</h1>
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<p>Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing
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something you know you aren't supposed to know…</p>
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<p>TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude
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towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the <em>listener</em>. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#on-gossiping" id="footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></p>
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<p>Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex.
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For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private
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information about our mutual friend, Bay. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#names2" id="footnote-reference-2">[2]</a> I knew Bay would not
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expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new
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part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in
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order not to hurt them. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#non-disclosure" id="footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></p>
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<p>That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield:</p>
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<ol class="arabic simple">
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<li>If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's
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boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#my-privacy" id="footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></li>
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<li>If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay.</li>
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<li>If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still
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ending up invading their privacy as in point 1.</li>
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<li>I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to
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someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this
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"curse" on anyone. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#gossip-circumstances" id="footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></li>
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<li>If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in
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another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an
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obvious reason why).</li>
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</ol>
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<p>It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that.</p>
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<p>So, to reiterate the message: <strong>Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about
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stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people.</strong>
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For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as <strong>please just
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don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know.</strong> <a class="footnote-reference" href="#consent" id="footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></p>
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<!-- ReST wtf, why can't I put emphasis in strong? -->
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<p>(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the "regular" gossip you can
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usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.)</p>
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<div class="section" id="final-remarks">
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<h2>Final remarks</h2>
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<p>I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes.
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It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware
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and neither were I at the time.</p>
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<p>Apart from the role as "me" in the story, I also were "Bay" a few times,
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luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be
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another "Alex", I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately.</p>
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<p>This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a
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reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc,
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but lately I only heard "the ordinary stuff" which I will probably just forget
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and not care about without harming anyone.)</p>
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<p>Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't
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ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side
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and will not write here anything else :-)</p>
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<hr class="docutils" />
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="on-gossiping" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></td><td>I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who
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doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from
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gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your
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knowledge of "regular" gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your
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attitude.</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="names2" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-2">[2]</a></td><td>I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that
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might support the narative that "girls gossip", which is sexist and IME not
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accurate (more like "everyone gossips"). So I made my friends be of
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ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post
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a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-)</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="non-disclosure" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></td><td>I will not give any more information here. Don't try to
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guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if
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you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me
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whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And
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in fact, there may be multiple Bays…))</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="my-privacy" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></td><td>There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much
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and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got
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outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing
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anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep
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this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my
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secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.)</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="gossip-circumstances" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></td><td>Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various
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circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them
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Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron
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understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the
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secret in all those situations.</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<table class="docutils footnote" frame="void" id="consent" rules="none">
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<colgroup><col class="label" /><col /></colgroup>
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<tbody valign="top">
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<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></td><td>If the listener wants to know and go sweeping mines and you are
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willing to tell them, ~~sure, tell them~~ it's up to you and I have no say
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in that. Learn the consequences and go for the interactions you want to
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have!</td></tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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