<feedxmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom"><title>LEdoian's Blog - queer</title><linkhref="https://blog.ledoian.cz/"rel="alternate"></link><linkhref="https://blog.ledoian.cz/feeds/queer.atom.xml"rel="self"></link><id>https://blog.ledoian.cz/</id><updated>2024-05-21T17:03:00+02:00</updated><entry><title>Hello, I'm agender</title><linkhref="https://blog.ledoian.cz/hello-im-agen.html"rel="alternate"></link><published>2024-05-21T17:03:00+02:00</published><updated>2024-05-21T17:03:00+02:00</updated><author><name>LEdoian</name></author><id>tag:blog.ledoian.cz,2024-05-21:/hello-im-agen.html</id><summarytype="html"><p>Hell yeah, a coming out!</p>
<p>Important: Please, read this article <em>in full</em> and do not just skim it. There
is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
altogether – I am fine with …</p></summary><contenttype="html"><p>Hell yeah, a coming out!</p>
<p>Important: Please, read this article <em>in full</em> and do not just skim it. There
is no TL;DR, I don't think any reasonable summary of this post can be made
without me misrepresenting myself. Alternatively, please just skip this article
altogether – I am fine with people not knowing these details about me and not
acting upon them. Thank you a lot! (The way of interacting with me changes only
a little, if at all, but I care a lot about how this fact about me is handled.)</p>
<p>NB <a class="footnote-reference" href="#pun" id="footnote-reference-1">[1]</a>: This is only about me at this time. My experiences are my own,
please don't assume any of this applies to anybody else – while it might, there
are a lot of other agender experiences that are quite different from mine and
assuming others are feeling the same will probably lead to misrepresentation
and hurtful attitude. Please, just ask (it may feel weird, but being treated
wrong feels weirder), thanks.</p>
<p>Also, my own identity and feelings may change in the future (as they certainly
have in the past), so while I'll try to add an obsoletion banner to the top of
this article when/if that happens, if you think I'm inconsistent with what I
have written here, please also ask me about that.</p>
<p>This is a rather general post, I would like to write separate articles going
into more detail. I'll add them here, but before I do that, feel free to ask me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#asking-bad-questions" id="footnote-reference-2">[2]</a>.</p>
<p>Important disclaimer: Especially this section <strong>only talks about me</strong>, other
agender people may feel differently. Do <strong>not</strong> assume anything about other
(agender) people from this!</p>
<div class="section" id="language">
<h3>Language</h3>
<p>The first thing that comes to mind is the language. In general, I don't like
being titled with gendered words when referring specifically to me (i.e. I am
not a &quot;boy&quot;, &quot;lady&quot;, &quot;man&quot;, &quot;daughter&quot; etc.) – please prefer general words like
&quot;person&quot;. When addressing me together with other people, I will not complain to
be included under general statements like &quot;ladies and gentlemen&quot;. This means
that there should not be too much that changes in this regard.</p>
<p>Pronouns – everyone's favourite topic – are a bit tricky due to differences
between languages I speak. In English I slightly prefer they/them, but any
traditional pronouns (he/it/she) are also fine with me.</p>
<p>In Czech, due to inflection of names, first start to referring to me as
LEdoian, because my given name would sound very weird in other grammatical
genders. And then probably still keep using masculine for me (LEdoian is
declined the same way as &quot;pán&quot;) – while I am open to experimentation <a class="footnote-reference" href="#grammatically-neutral" id="footnote-reference-3">[3]</a>,
I have not figured out the details and would like to arrange individually (at
least at first). If you want to be part of the experimentation, ask me :-)</p>
<p>I do not consider my given name to be a deadname (at least for now), you can
keep using it and don't need to feel bad for doing that. However, don't use the
name in a different grammaical gender, that would sound weird. And unless we
already use some variation of my given name, do not try to invent a new one.</p>
<!-- I could put here a table like at pronouns.page (or other pages), but I am
afraid it would be too visually appealing for people to avoid reading the
text. And I can definitely not put everything in it, so it might cause more
harm than without the table. Sorry. (It's like four paragraphs anyway, so…) -->
<p>I am not completely out yet – in fact, sharing with &quot;whoever on the internet
actually cares about me enough to read my blog&quot; currently seems like one of the
safer ways. So while me being agender is not a secret anymore, I
wouldn't like it to be the &quot;gossip of the day&quot; either (it's not a good talking
point and I am giving way too litle detail here for anyone to be able to
represent me accurately anyway). Don't out me just because you can <a class="footnote-reference" href="#coming-out-to-some-people" id="footnote-reference-4">[4]</a>.</p>
<p>If somehow the talk comes to this topic and you need to reference me
specifically, I think the best thing is to hint that I am <em>non-binary</em> as the
reasonable compromise between misrepresenting me as any binary gender and fully
outing me. Also try keeping in mind that the term &quot;non-binary&quot; is an umbrella
term that conveys even <em>less</em> information about feeling of self than &quot;man&quot; or
&quot;woman&quot; do. See also <a class="reference internal" href="#the-queer-quirks">the queer quirks</a> below.</p>
<p>If the listener knows me, you can tell them to ask me if they are interested in
more. That is more preferred approach than referencing this blogpost, because
that lets me represent myself better and in a more concise way than this post
can.</p>
<p>On a related note, you may find yourself in a discussion that misrepresents me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#idk-how" id="footnote-reference-5">[5]</a>.
While I understand that you might want me to feel good and included, I would
like you to <em>not</em> stand up for me too explicitly. I don't want to it being the
big deal, if I am present, it is way more comfortable to be accidentally
misrepresented than having the conversation take a bad turn and becoming weird.
(See <a class="reference external" href="https://youtube.com/watch?v=auXqQp-jWsk">this episode of Couple-ish</a>
for a maybe-not-too-exaggerated example of a derailed discussion.) Probably the
best thing is to ignore the misrepresentation or dismiss it with something like
&quot;that is actually more complicated&quot;. If I am present, let me do most of the
speaking (or ignoring) – I think I know how much I want to stand for myself in
a given situation. (Standing up for non-binary/trans*/genderqueer/… people in
general is fine if you want to do that, just please don't make that inherently
about me <a class="footnote-reference" href="#being-ally-is-more-acceptable" id="footnote-reference-6">[6]</a>.)</p>
<p>That being said, referring to me as LEdoian is fine (I think most people know
that this is my nickname, even if they don't actively use it), if we decided to
use a different grammatical gender for Czech, it's both fine to use that and to
fall back to masculine if that feels it would fit the conversation. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#incompatible-agreements-maybe" id="footnote-reference-7">[7]</a></p>
<p>The fun part is interacting with me, which follows completely different rule:
if you think I am misgendering <em>myself</em>, please tell me you think so. This
helps me be more mindful about when I use gendered language. (If I misgender
someone who is out or you are allowed to out them, also please tell me, it is
probably unintentional.)</p>
</div>
<div class="section" id="other-stuff">
<h3>Other stuff</h3>
<p>It's nice to be able to represent myself in forms, so I like being able to
choose the third option for gender (if you need to ask). I don't particularly
mind whether it is described as &quot;other&quot; or &quot;not specified&quot;. (Just maybe don't
try to be too clever about the choice, <a class="reference external" href="https://genders.wtf">or else</a>.)</p>
<p>While I am not very proactive about my gender (as in, I don't have the urge to
tell anyone on sight), I am quite open about my experience. Feel free to ask me
if you are interested. If you think it would be too weird to ask out of the
blue (or you just want to let me know you read this blogpost – I appreciate
that!), ask me what my hair colour is :-)</p>
<p>And again, please prefer asking me to assuming stuff about me (or possibly
anyone). Gender is weird, there is a lot I am not telling in this post and a
lot of nuance that can be hard to convey to general public.</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="section" id="the-queer-quirks">
<h2>The queer quirks</h2>
<p>I understand not everyone has studied queer-sensitive language <a class="footnote-reference" href="#ally-year-ago" id="footnote-reference-8">[8]</a>,
so let me put here a few basic rules for talking about queer people. (Again,
just a quick rundown, I may write a separate article about this.) As opposed to
the above, <strong>this section is general</strong> and represents the current usage of
language, to the best of my knowledge.</p>
<p>Parts of speech: Most labels like &quot;agender&quot;, &quot;transgender&quot;, &quot;non-binary&quot;,
&quot;genderqueer&quot; are used as adjectives (like e.g. the word &quot;blue&quot;), so they are
used like &quot;an agender person&quot;, &quot;the transgender flag&quot;, &quot;they are non-binary&quot;.
<em>Do not</em> say ~~&quot;flag of agenders&quot;, &quot;they are a genderqueer&quot;~~ or even ~~&quot;John is
transgendered&quot;~~. Some labels can be also used as nouns, and <em>some people</em> also
reclaim <em>some labels</em> to be used as nouns, but others may not think that is
appropriate usage for them. E.g. the word &quot;enby&quot; belongs to the former group,
but &quot;gay&quot; belongs to the later (acc. to <a class="reference external" href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gay#Usage_notes_2">wiktionary</a>).</p>
<p>This usage differs a bit in different languages, though. In Czech, most labels
are still adjectives, though. Usually labels are not inflected, except when the
word is &quot;Czech-compatible enough&quot;: „vidím transgender ženu“, „s nebinárními
přáteli“.</p>
<p>Labels: Labels itself are mostly useful as approximations of what someone
feels. They are useful to relate to others and in communicating, but almost
never give full information themselves. Some are
umbrella terms for many experiences, which may have their own label; however,
this does not mean that by using a sublabel one also identifies with the
umbrella term which the sublabel is canonicaly part of. It is <strong>up to the
person themself</strong> to determine which labels they want to use, labeling others
against their will is inappropriate/rude. Sublabels that are not widely known
are often termed &quot;microlabels&quot;. (Using labels is voluntary, queer people do
not need to use any labels for themselves.)</p>
<p>Few relevant labels/words:</p>
<dl class="docutils">
<dt>transgender</dt>
<dd>in the widest sense, a person who experiences their gender differently from
the gender they were assigned at birth. A broad umbrella term. (People who
experience gender in accordance to the gender they were assigned at birth are
<p>I guess people will ask, so let me just put down some answers here in advance :-)</p>
<dl class="docutils">
<dt>How do you know you really are agender? What will you do if you start feeling gender? Is it just a phase?</dt>
<dd>The label is just a way to put a name to what I feel now. And no, I don't
have all the answers <a class="footnote-reference" href="#reference" id="footnote-reference-9">[9]</a>. Using the label allows me to find other
people with similar feelings, learn how they navigate possible challenges and
puts my mind at peace that I am not completely insane/broken/alone. If my identity
changes, I'll try to find comfort in another label probably. If it is just a
phase, so be it, I can probably still learn something about myself from it.</dd>
<dt>Does anything else change about you?</dt>
<dd>Yes. Apart from what I have written on this page, I realised that I do not
have to follow gender stereotypes/expectations for myself, so I started
experimenting more with my appearance. Confused a few people already :-D</dd>
<dt>What if I accidentally outed you?</dt>
<dd>That's life, and it's not like it can be undone. Since me being agender is
low-key public information anyway, it is not a big deal to me. However, if
you tell me who you've told, it will help me be ready if they start asking
unexpected questions (esp. because when someone first interacts with a queer
topic they might be unintentionally insensitive). You can also tell the
person you outed me to that I am basically fine with them knowing, so that
they don't <a class="reference external" href="https://blog.ledoian.cz/do-not-gossip-identities.html">need to metagame</a> w.r.t.
my gender.</dd>
<dt>What do you have between your legs?</dt>
<dd>Not answering this one. You wouldn't ask your teacher. You wouldn't ask your
boss, you wouldn't ask your uncle and then make sure yourself. Asking such
questions is inappropriate and being asked such questions is unpleasant.
<a class="footnote-reference" href="#reference" id="footnote-reference-10">[9]</a> (How I feel my gender is not related to my anatomy. How does
having two nostrils make you feel?) <a class="footnote-reference" href="#dysphoria-question" id="footnote-reference-11">[10]</a></dd>
</dl>
<p>There are a few questions to which the answer is something like: &quot;no, it's
complicated, maybe read the blogpost in a few days again and if it still isn't
clear, please ask me directly.&quot;:</p>
<ul class="simple">
<li>So you are a man/boy?</li>
<li>So you are a woman/girl?</li>
<li>Are you transgender?</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="section" id="closing-thought">
<h2>Closing thought</h2>
<p>This is a rather sensitive topic, not just for me, but for many people who are
struggling with/doubting/hiding their gender (and the doubts can return or be
persistent). While this post is not focused on other such people, I'd be glad if you,
my dear reader, try being considerate to other
experiences/feelings similar to mine. Many other people are not in a position
to feel safe talking about these struggles. One of the reasons I am
writing this is because I want/need more people to try considering these
challenges (and through that help spread understanding) and I am &quot;lucky&quot; that I
can be relatively open about it, at least on the internet and in some irl
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-2">[2]</a></td><td>If you are not sure whether your question would be
bad to ask, try being sensitive and tolerant and ask me anyway. And be sure
I know I don't have any obligation to answer, so if I don't, respect it. (I
don't think I am likely to reject you, but still I think it is better to
explicitly state the expectations.)</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></td><td>In fact, I am now trying to use the neutral
grammatical gender for myself, but as a language exercise, not as the
definitive gender to use. You don't need to keep this in mind when
talking with me, though – I will adapt to whatever grammatical gender we
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></td><td>There are several people I want to make sure I
come out to myself when I am ready. I need them to understand me
correctly, it would be painful to refute any misconceptions they get from
other sources. This blogpost is written carefully and would be OK for
them to read as an introduction, but probably still unnecessary. (Please
don't go around like &quot;Hey, I cannot tell you but LEdoian has an interesting
post on their blog, go check that out&quot;, ffs.)</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></td><td>I haven't thought about what failure modes of discussion my
gender could yield, but I guess some could emerge, so I am adding this
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></td><td>So far, being LGBTQ+ ally looks like being
a safe position for me. I am not yet sure if being openly non-binary would
be also safe. Therefore, while I can ~freely advocate for
queer/trans/non-binary people in general, standing up for myself in
particular might have unseen consequences.</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-7">[7]</a></td><td>In the unlikely event you meet someone and
you use different grammatical gender for me, throw a game of
rock-paper-scissors or something. Or use another way to determine. &quot;Don't
make trouble and agree on something!&quot;</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-8">[8]</a></td><td>To be fair, I didn't know the language a year ago myself
and I still keep finding new words and descriptions of gender experiences.</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label">[9]</td><td><em>(<a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-9">1</a>, <a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-10">2</a>)</em> Kudos to you if you recognise this reference :-)</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-11">[10]</a></td><td>Asking this question is also insensitive and possibly
actively harmful towards people who feel distressed by the mismatch between
their gender and genitalia. Just please don't ask about this.</td></tr>
</tbody>
</table>
</div>
</content><categoryterm="queer"></category><categoryterm="gender"></category><categoryterm="identity"></category></entry><entry><title>You sure you want to hear the gossip?</title><linkhref="https://blog.ledoian.cz/do-not-gossip-identities.html"rel="alternate"></link><published>2024-03-11T22:49:00+01:00</published><updated>2024-03-11T22:49:00+01:00</updated><author><name>LEdoian</name></author><id>tag:blog.ledoian.cz,2024-03-11:/do-not-gossip-identities.html</id><summarytype="html"><p>Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing
something you know you aren't supposed to know…</p>
<p>TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude
towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the <em>listener</em>. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#on-gossiping" id="footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></p>
<p>Some time ago, I was …</p></summary><contenttype="html"><p>Sometimes, not knowing something about your friends is simpler than knowing
something you know you aren't supposed to know…</p>
<p>TL;DR: If you are gossiping, please handle information which change attitude
towards others with care and maybe share them with consent of the <em>listener</em>. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#on-gossiping" id="footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></p>
<p>Some time ago, I was casually talking with my friend, let's call them Alex.
For one reason or another, we got to gossip and I learnt a new, very private
information about our mutual friend, Bay. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#names2" id="footnote-reference-2">[2]</a> I knew Bay would not
expect me to know or possibly even want me to know at that time, yet the new
part of their identity would require me to behave differently around Bay in
order not to hurt them. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#non-disclosure" id="footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></p>
<p>That turned my interactions with Bay into a bit of a minefield:</p>
<ol class="arabic simple">
<li>If I behaved according to what I learnt, I may easily overstep Bay's
boundaries and invade their privacy, possibly quite badly. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#my-privacy" id="footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></li>
<li>If I kept my old behaviour, I would feel like I am actively hurting Bay.</li>
<li>If I accidentally slipped my tongue in front of Bay and they notice, I still
ending up invading their privacy as in point 1.</li>
<li>I am also prone to sharing the gossip, maybe accidentally. I would be to
someone else what Alex was to me, and I certainly didn't want to cast this
&quot;curse&quot; on anyone. <a class="footnote-reference" href="#gossip-circumstances" id="footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></li>
<li>If Bay subconsciously noticed I am behaving in line with their secret and in
another interaction I wouldn't, they could feel invalidated (without an
obvious reason why).</li>
</ol>
<p>It sucks, it made talking to Bay needlessly stressful. Please don't do that.</p>
<p>So, to reiterate the message: <strong>Please gossip *safely* and *consensually* about
stuff that is private in nature and would change attitudes towards people.</strong>
For the queer stuff, this can be rephrased in layman's terms as <strong>please just
don't out other people to people who do not explicitly want to know.</strong><a class="footnote-reference" href="#consent" id="footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></p>
<!-- ReST wtf, why can't I put emphasis in strong? -->
<p>(Again, maybe gossip safely anyway, but for the &quot;regular&quot; gossip you can
usually hide what you know without feeling that bad.)</p>
<div class="section" id="final-remarks">
<h2>Final remarks</h2>
<p>I wrote this post mainly to raise awareness and help learn from past mistakes.
It is not meant to shame Alex for telling me, they might not have been aware
and neither were I at the time.</p>
<p>Apart from the role as &quot;me&quot; in the story, I also were &quot;Bay&quot; a few times,
luckily not with a too intimate part of my identity. And while I try not to be
another &quot;Alex&quot;, I cannot rule that completely out unfortunately.</p>
<p>This post has been a long time in my backlog (~6 months maybe), it is not a
reaction to any recent gossip I have heard. (The points I make still hold ofc,
but lately I only heard &quot;the ordinary stuff&quot; which I will probably just forget
and not care about without harming anyone.)</p>
<p>Lastly, Bay eventually told me themself, so my life is peaceful again. I didn't
ask if I am allowed to talk about that and with whom, so I err on the safe side
and will not write here anything else :-)</p>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-1">[1]</a></td><td>I mean, gossiping is not nice to the mentioned person who
doesn't usually consent, but it's not like I could prevent people from
gossiping, so this post is not about that. Also, you can conceal your
knowledge of &quot;regular&quot; gossip more easily than of gossip which changes your
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-2">[2]</a></td><td>I originally wanted to have the friends be Alice and Bob, but that
might support the narative that &quot;girls gossip&quot;, which is sexist and IME not
accurate (more like &quot;everyone gossips&quot;). So I made my friends be of
ambiguous gender and use they/them pronouns. Sorry, this might make the post
a bit harder to read, but the stereotypes need to die :-)</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-3">[3]</a></td><td>I will not give any more information here. Don't try to
guess, I am not telling. Bay is my friend and deserves privacy. (However, if
you suspect that you might be the Bay of this story, by all means ask me
whether you are. I don't want you to feel bad / insecure / unsure / … (And
in fact, there may be multiple Bays…))</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-4">[4]</a></td><td>There are definitely parts of my identity I do not share much
and would probably get upset at various people (and also paranoid) if I got
outed. OTOH, the number of people who know my secrets is non-decreasing
anyway, so I try to prepare that someone unexpected inevitably will overstep
this boundary, possibly in a good faith. (If you want to try to act upon my
secrets, I'd appreciate you asking beforehand to avoid weird reactions.)</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-5">[5]</a></td><td>Naturally, this gossip sharing can have various
circumstances: Me (or Alex) being unaware that the listener (call them
Cameron) doesn't know, slipping my tongue in a subtle way yet Cameron
understanding the subtext, being drunk, … It might be difficult to keep the
secret in all those situations.</td></tr>
<tr><td class="label"><a class="fn-backref" href="#footnote-reference-6">[6]</a></td><td>If the listener wants to know and go sweeping mines and you are
willing to tell them, ~~sure, tell them~~ it's up to you and I have no say
in that. Learn the consequences and go for the interactions you want to
